Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

�Changing Your Mate�s Behavior�

Have you ever thought that you would like to change your mate�s bad habit? Chances are you have answered �yes� to this question, because if you live with someone long enough, normal personality differences, not to mention irritating idiosyncrasies, will surely show up. Maybe up to now you have lovingly decided to overlook your spouse�s quirk, and thought you could live with it. But after years of the patience of Job, if it is challenging your own enjoyment of married life, you may be ready to consider new and tougher measures. After all, everybody deserves to enjoy a relationship, even if they have been in it long enough to reveal the rough edges.

I won�t mention any particular examples of such troublesome behaviors, but you can imagine they range from some that are endearingly human to some others that border on disgusting, and could be enough to make the average person move out. I think the offense level depends on the tolerance of the one subjected to a bad habit. Also one�s willingness to stifle criticism and standard of civility are factors here.

If you have already decided it is too late to bring the offense out in the open, then best you pass this advice on to someone else, and try to hold on to your relationship equilibrium for the time being. If, on the other hand, you think some changes are in order, read on.

Change is a funny thing. Some people think that by the time you are settled into a relationship for ten years or so, you are what you are and you are no more likely to change bad behaviors than a tiger can change his stripes. People actually resist the idea of marital therapy because they believe that the therapist will want to change them into something they are not. The old joke is, �How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?�. Answer: �None because the light bulb has to want to change�

And maybe it is true that nobody really ever changes. Maybe what in fact happens is that in a secure environment, a person grows into more of who they really are. And what you see that is different about them is not change but maturity. In any case, my prescription for changing your mate will work.

The idea is based on positive reinforcement, which, as a theory, is derived from good parenting practices combined with dog-training psychology. I call it the Dog-Biscuit Theory of Change. Children, dogs, and mates with bad habits are all going to engage in additional random behaviors. The bad habit will not occur all the time. Some of this random behavior will be exactly in the direction you wanted.

If the dog wanders in the driveway and drags in the newspaper, you would give him a biscuit, right? Because you want him to link desired behavior with reward. Repetition of this positive reinforcement will eventually create the improved habit.

I knew of a psychology class who �taught� the professor to stand on the right-hand side of the lecture hall by reinforcing this position with positive non-verbal attention. They trained the prof in a new habit of their own agreed-on objective. There might be some ethical issues here, but you get the idea.

Mates will respond to positive attention and loving gestures even without knowing your plan. I invite you to experiment with this and let me know, because everything you say and do will have an effect on your mate. You just have to be clever enough to be more kind than critical.

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