Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“The Marriage May Not Be Dead—Only Asleep”

The term “moribund marriage” has fascinated me since I came across its alliterative reference to how bad things could be in a relationship. It is usually attorneys and divorce courts who are concerned about the actual time of the death of the marriage. They are wont to probe and make fine points, like a CSI crew turning the corpse over and collecting vital, if miniscule, evidence to bolster a theory about who killed this marriage, and when. Technically “moribund” refers to a marriage which has drifted so far off course that the relationship is no longer reconcilable and neither party has any expectation or intention of resuming interaction. Yet there are disenchanted partners who decide for themselves that their marriage is dead before it has really had time to recover from some trauma or other. Failing to consult the lawyer, marriage counselor, or anybody in the coroner's office, some husband or wife throws in the towel and starts behaving badly even before the marital body has gotten cold. I believe they are reacting to psychological factors that have overwhelmed them and made them feel powerless. Sometimes the sense of grief that grips their dark view of the marriage causes them to act out in a way that wakes up their partner. Then it looks as if the marriage wasn't really dead after all, but only sleeping for a long time. This kind should not be considered the moribund marriage, but rather the Rip Van Winkle marriage. In other words, it is not about irreconcilables, but rather about misunderstanding and lack of awareness of proper marital health.

True, things can start to smell like there is decay setting in, the way post-Charlie mold in the walls of your house gradually makes you think the whole house is a gonner. Still, where there is life there is hope. You shouldn't have to have a 911 emergency situation before somebody gets the message that wakes them up.

So before pronouncing your marriage dead, it might be worth kicking it to see if anything moves. It would be a mistake to think that things are over before they really are over. In fact, you may be able to revive the relationship and pump new life-blood into it even after years of stress and strain (not to mention the body blows of parenting, step-parenting, or illness). But keeping the marriage alive in the face of all these sleep-inducing events requires a new alertness and conscious resuscitation. I say occasionally check the pulse of things to see if the ongoing routines of the marriage have started to numb this living breathing thing between you called The Relationship. Be willing to take responsibility for intervention without assuming that the dead cannot be raised. He/she may respond better than you think, since both of you were probably equally aware of the creeping moribundity and, at the same time, half-consciously hoped for new life.

Try this: Before there were marriage counselors there was dancing. Couples who have tried it know down in their dancing shoes that dancing is good for the sleeping relationship. I remember several years ago my wife and I decided to inject a little fun into our then 25 year old marriage. Although I was no Fred Astair, I could tell when the blood began to flow, both in my limbs and in our marriage. My wife and I, who thought of ourselves as neither country nor western, began to enjoy the subtle interpersonal benefits. It turned out to be a real coup de grace ( That's French for coup=”dance”, and de grace=”the night away”).

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