Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“New Marriage Is New Opportunity to Break Patterns”

Red Sox mania is finally dying down, we have put the elections mostly behind us, and the lunar eclipse has passed. All these events signaled major shifts in the world as we know it. At our house we thought we could stand only so much of this sort of excitement. But my wife reminded me that we still have a family wedding to bring off. There is more excitement to come as our daughter walks down the aisle next week. Will any of the wedding guests notice that this simple bit of choreography, which includes the supporting role of me, the father of the bride, is an event of big sky proportions? The radiant bride will float to the altar on my arm as the music swells, and the ceremony unfolds. As tears are shed, she will get nudged out of our little family orbit into her own new orbit with her man. It is one of those times, like harmonic convergence, when things are changing, big time.

Friends and family of the groom are, in this described moment, linking up with those of the bride to inaugurate a whole new family! Our genetic material linking up with theirs. I myself have been studying genealogy recently, and have looked up my family tree, searching for hobbits and other creatures. I started investigating to see where the DNA has come from, as marriages, recorded in the big family Bible, join one family heritage to another. I reassured the parents of the groom that the Mayflower descendants are in there somewhere, (along with previous centuries' marriages of convenience, compassion, and necessity). But where this DNA is now going, no one can predict. Even if I am not quite ready to commingle my gene heritage, it is out of my hands, already out of my loins, as it heads pell-mell for the future. Ready or not, here comes another branching of the family tree!

What I hope is that, with regard to the emotional heritage, this new family, comprised for now only of my daughter and new son-in-law, will forge their own unique family strengths. My wife and I, in our generation, made a valiant effort to sort out the healthy emotions from the unhealthy ones we were handed. We found out that nearly every family in the previous generations had a few bricks missing from the chimney. We struggled to drive back the previous generations of weird neuroses that threatened our peaceful existence. Our own family therapist finally awarded us the Purple Heart! With a little self-awareness, we gradually figured out that we didn't have to pass on the dysfunctional stuff we “inherited”. From his grave, I can hear my great-grandfather groan, “Break the chain of bad relationship patterns!” He learned the hard way.

So it is with each new generation: As they inherit our genes, they also inherit the family relationship histories of everybody before them who have influenced marital interaction. New families, starting off, have an awesome task: preserve the great and good traditions that come from both sides of the family, sort out the unproductive patterns, while transforming the notion of “family” into something of their own making. After all, a marriage is one of the grandest relationship ventures of all time, defying science and, to some extent rationality. At the same time that they are struggling to fulfill themselves with individual careers and work satisfaction, they are expected to take responsibility for raising children. Where else in the human experiment can two people play such an important role in shaping the quality of ongoing life, enhancing the culture, and contributing to future generations.

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