Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Springboard Romance”

A lot of married people think about the possibility of divorce, but never go through with it. A lot more wallow-about for years in a stagnant marriage without taking any action, either for improving it or for ending it. It's on the to-do list right after remodeling the bathroom. The conversation never happens. Thus the marriage drifts about in a never-never land. Neither partner wants to talk about this wilderness they are both in. Or, one spouse attempts to voice their concerns for the unhappy atmosphere and his /her mate doesn't hear it. It is like if a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one there to listen, does it make a sound? If one partner voices a concern for the faltering marriage and there is no one listening, will anything really happen? In case, inaction or frustrated attempt, the relationship remains stuck in the inertia of cynicism. Not good.

Let's say you are paralyzed someplace between (A.): hanging in there, and (B.): imagining what divorce would be like. Unable to really commit to either one, you act on neither. And such an atmosphere is a tinderbox for trouble. I mean trouble in the form of what I call a springboard romance. Something in your Answer-Man brain looks for a way out of this “stale-mate” situation. An empty heart wants action. The unconscious soup begins to boil. One of you is so buzzed that you become susceptible to budding “friendships” in all the wrong places. Suddenly, springboard romance appears to be the “perfect solution”. It is the escapade that springs you out of the foggy forest where nothing is happening. Still it is risky and dangerous. It blows up everything in sight more dramatically than PlayStation 2! It provides new excitement and launches you into a place where now you HAVE TO do something if you want to stay alive and in the game.

The springboard romance is enormously deceptive, however. To the new lovers, it looks like the answer, and ironically it is, but not for the reasons that they think. The disgruntled, acting-out partner thinks, “At last, I have found true love”, and may at first prepare for separation and divorce. But, here's the scenario: right on schedule, new trains of emotion come into the station. New doubts, new guilts, new griefs. If the spouse who is in the springboard romance gets past these barriers, and goes ahead at this point with the divorce, the springboard romance inexplicably changes shape. Call it psychological, or call it the devil's revenge, the new romance will not (I predict) work out in the long run. It has served its purpose: to spring you out of the stuck place. Here is the bad news: It is not the basis for a suitable new marriage. Empathy should go to the springboard “third person”, the lover outside the family circle, who didn't grasp their role in this dynamic universe of misunderstood romance.

If the springboard romance, on the other hand, gets you, the stuck spouse, to finally face the issues long neglected in the original marriage, it has served its best purpose. It puts you squarely in front of the decision tree, and forces the hard work of relationship discourse that you should have done before all this mess.

In other words, the marital crisis creates an opportunity for positive change, be it solidifying the marriage or finally ending it as two mature persons. If divorce is the answer, now it will have been arrived at more sanely, and be something everybody can live with. Perhaps in the only way change could have happened.

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