Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Passive-Aggressive Man”

Some men think a relationship is a place to confuse and confound their mate. They think they are being well-intentioned and giving, but end up leaving their woman feeling empty. You may know this guy because he is earnestly attempting to form a relationship with you, while at the same time avoiding the essentials of give-and-take that make a relationship work. For example, he arrives late and apologetic for an expected meeting with you, yet blames everyone but himself. Or he presents some great plans for a nice get-away, but never seems to get around to actually implementing the plans. The man I am describing is Passive-aggressive Man, and he manages to destroy a lot of loving relationships without getting caught. He thinks conflict resolution is making excuses. He is a little like a cat-burglar who steals your love but leaves no real evidence of how it happened. You just know you have been robbed. It is one of the travesties of the relationship world. I say these guys should be exposed and made to take responsibility for their actions. Unmask them and bring them to the court of unfulfilled romance!

The problem is they are able to deliver their anger, destructively, into the relationship, while simultaneously claiming they were “only trying to be helpful”. They operate covertly with anger, seldom able to put it out there in any words you could argue with, but manage to silently express hundreds of little hostile ways that end up being more hurtful than the words they are avoiding. Passive-Aggressive Man is passive in the sense of being extremely indirect with anger. He is aggressive only in the ability of his actions (or inactions) to be quietly and subtly sabotaging of the relationship. It is cold war at its worst. Or maybe it is more like insurgency, creeping up on you in the disguise of being your friend, then blowing everything up, including himself. You can't do battle in the normal sense because the battle is not out in the open. Most women are like the U.S. Marines, prepared for real warfare, but ill-equipped to deal with the hidden underground attackers.

Dr. Scott Wetzler has written about this relationship saboteur in a book called “Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man” (Fireside Press, 1992). The book gives tips on spotting the male hollow giver who seems to promise more than he can deliver. The author encourages the woman to avoid the temptation to rescue or enable these men who are actually very dependent types. He writes to expose a whole genre of nice-appearing men who are actually like relationship terrorists living among us and looking like ordinary good (even kind) partners. He describes how such men are what I would call a maddening and paradoxical blend of destructive generosity and cooperative obstruction. How can they be both, you ask? It is because they are attempting to preserve the relationship, albeit at a safe distance. Their unexpressed anger has dynamic energy that seeps out in forgetting, procrastination, and sulking.

Lest the author be accused of male-bashing, he also points out you female types who encourage these unrewarding relationships by not tolerating the more direct expressions of anger and disagreement with your mates. Women who won't take no for an answer and who insist on mothering their mates are the perfect set-up for the P-A Man, who relishes having just such an authority figure whom he can practice resisting and project his problems onto thus feeling victimized. Better you should avoid announcing what he “must” do, while giving options and alternatives. Do it for both your sakes.

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