Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Mothers at Mid-life”

The worst time for mothers may be when the grand era of their mothering is all said and done. Mothers, who have successfully launched their kids into the outside world, are like veterans of some military campaign. The battlefields of tough love have been cleared. The mission they trained for and carried out, if successful, has left mothers with a lot unused nurturing and maybe a lot of time on their hands. It is the time for the woman's mid-life self-evaluation: Step down gracefully and get on with other tough questions of life! Of course, some mothers will argue that their job is never over, and I expect to get stinging mail from a few heroic ones who can't see themselves in any other light.

Mothers, once released from their tour of duty, should, in my estimation, find some new sources of fulfillment. Unlike real military veterans, they can't really hang around with their buddies, drink beer, and reminisce. Our society has no cultural provisions for this post-children and difficult time. If it weren't for hot flashes, there would be no warning signs that they have to find some meaning in a new role. Consider the reality! They still have half their life ahead of them. (Grandmothering, while it is a noble "occupation", will not in itself be sufficient substitute, because it depends on good geography and cooperation of the birth-mother.) It is no coincidence that all this comes at a time in a woman's life when she is faced with reinventing herself. Good mothering by definition comes to an appropriate end.

Without a clear notion that she is in transition, she may get confused, spending long hours on the phone uselessly trying to remain forever involved in her adult children's lives. This is a dangerous time for all concerned. Perfectly intact marriages could suffer. Such mothers in these situations should take the advice that one esteemed mother and wise woman passed on to me: "When your adult children keep phoning you with one problem after another, just say, "1. Hmm. Isn't that interesting". 2. 'I'm sorry to hear that'. Or 3. 'I'm sure you will work it out'".

In other words, don't get hooked. Assume the contract is over, and that all your adult children really want is a little reassuring, the ability to touch base, and get support. Now, I'm not saying to turn your back on them. The trick is staying lovingly detached, and conserving energy for your own needs as a woman in transition.

Veteran mothers will find their sense of worth in things like a career, discovering new talents, or resurrecting old and neglected talents. In general, this is an inner journey for which you will need private time and quiet time of your own making. Beware of those around you who will not understand this mid-life need to "cross into the mists of Avalon", as author Jean Bolen puts it. (Crossing to Avalon, Harper paperback, 1994) Well-wishers on Mother's Day may misunderstand your needs. Dr. Bolen describes the midlife time as heading (albeit with uncertainty) for another world where one's sense of femininity is deepened. Birth-giving and nurturing is only half the story. Avalon is the realm of rediscovered feminine qualities, essential to this every-day realm we live in, where they are often missing. Bolen means qualities like insightful wisdom, knowledge of the heart, sensuality. It is like a mythical task to be performed for the good of the human race. In finding her own mid-life fulfillment, the inwardly questing woman brings a deeper sense of life to the rest of us.

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