Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“How to Get What You Want”

Power is a force to be reckoned with in contemporary marriages. I mean personal power as it is wielded within the relationship. It usually shows up in various guises when decisions are negotiated between husbands and wives. It didn't used to be as evident as is nowadays, since Generation X has gotten married and set up housekeeping. Power is always an issue for a couple, but more so now because modern wives have gained in power.

In case you've neglected to stay sharp on the History of American Marriage, the chances are that you married for a whole different set of reasons than did your grandparents. As a woman, your choice to marry was not driven by the need to be taken care of financially. And guys, remember all those things your mother used to do for you? Now you don't chose a wife based on her abilities to cook or clean, at least not consciously. Things are different. These days, with birth control, higher-education and wage-earning careers for women, wives have personal power that upsets the traditional power balances, and frighten some husbands. So decision-making in the marriage is more perilous and complex. And learning new ways of negotiating is the challenge.

The hazards of power-wielding are like potholes in the road to marital happiness. Power misused comes in the form not just of domination (sometimes sanctioned by fundamentalist religions), but also in the form of employing guilt or manipulation. There were different ways to get what you wanted. Long before the feminist movement, your grandmother knew how to use power cleverly and manipulatively. Both spouses may be family-of-origin trained in laying on guilt as a way of getting their way. Then, going on down the scale of regressive behaviors, there is always personal attack (shaming the person instead of addressing the issue). Or, when the marriage relationship is stretched really thin, infantile demands (picture pleading and begging). These power tactics lead to stand-offs, stonewalling, and mucho resentment. Nobody wins.

Power is a reality in partnership marriage, and not to be feared or denied, if you keep the rules of engagement in mind: Distinct from union contracts or divorce mediation where differences are usually homogenized, marital negotiation assumes that there are two people who care about each other, and the spouse's general welfare is as important as their own. Here, compromise is an art.

Decision-making in this setting is going to involve more than two possible outcomes (the old win/lose paradigm). Here is the scenario: Derek wants to go golfing Saturday. Jennifer wants him to stay home to help her clean the pool. But because Derek's feelings are involved, and Jennifer's too, add these to the equation. I encourage couples to communicate not just their wants, but also their feelings, values, and needs that hover around their wants, and to be LISTENING to all those levels in the other person.

Thus, there is the possibility that Derek may not end up golfing. Yet he is not so disappointed, because the debate has involved learning more about the importance of acknowledging Jennifer's need for closeness. Golfing becomes less important for him to insist on, and what he can respond to is Jennifer's understanding of his need to be with his buddies occasionally. He needs this affirmation as much as he needs golfing. Also this possible outcome: Jennifer, once she has had the opportunity to vent her needs for more shared time with Derek, will be less rigid about insisting on her own way. As they say in Tennessee, "If you wanted your own way, don't get married!"

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