Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Valentines Day”

The conventional wisdom about Valentine's Day is that men must come out of their cave on this occasion and show their womenfolk some demonstrative signs of their devotion, like cards, flowers, or candy, lest they lose their already flimsy romantic status. Of course, we men are devoted; we just don't like showing it in frilly ways. I bet Chuck Norris or Claude VanDamm don't send flowers to any woman! Women should know we love them because we work hard, keep the lawn mowed, and try not to let football get in the way of household responsibilities. So, wouldn't it be fair, I ask, that Valentine's Day be a time for promoting a public image of women for once taking the initiative to romance their special man?

I thought I could make a case for this change, and needed a little help. When I saw that "Dr. Laura" had a book on this subject, I was at first heartened, and thought I had an ally. Her book is called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (Harper-Collins publisher), and ranks number fifteen on the best-seller list. However, on closer inspection, I am not so sure her approach will appeal to either men or women who want a quality relationship. She seems to be addressing those women who complain a lot about their husbands neglecting them, and offers advice to wives about how to get their men to respond. The gist of it is for women to provide sex and food (not just on Valentine's Day) to the guys, because "Dr. Laura" knows this will make a man so satisfied that he will start behaving better as a husband. The woman's initiative will transform the husband since it demonstrates her love and respect, the book advocates. If it takes effort and sacrifice of her own needs, so be it, according to this thesis: The rewards for reaching the husband at his most primitive and instinctual level will outweigh any other difficulties these clever wives might have in bringing husbands of the world into line.

There is some appeal (OK, "a lot") here. Still, as a man, I want more than I could readily get from some mail-order bride. I think, after while I would resent being cared for like the family pet! Don't reduce me to shallow motives, knee-jerk reactions, or a simple need for approval (OK, I could use a little approval, but it's for loftier accomplishments!) And as a marriage therapist, I want a love relationship to extend beyond caveman/cavewoman interaction. "Dr. Laura" has it partly right in asking female mates to take some responsibility for an intimate relationship. And it might get some communication going. But a partnership marriage needs more than women accepting care-and-feeding as a duty.

So, even assuming that dinner and sex basically sustain the relationship, I have to wonder about all the other things that have to be negotiated. A woman's needs will not automatically be met because her man is fulfilled, because we all know she is more complex than this. And some men are going to take advantage of this "recognition" of what they thought was their inalienable right anyway. Not everything will get solved at the non-verbal level of eating and sex. Couples have to actually talk to each other, including the necessity of a woman verbally stating her needs and expectations. And if men don't eventually develop their deeper aspirations, they will eventually burn out on testosterone and over-eating.

Could the book's approach work at least as a new kind of Valentine? Women of Cape Coral, how about alternate years?

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