Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“New Year's Resolutions”

Right after the holiday, I had an email from up north. It seems that Uncle Dick and Aunt Jane are having a bad year in their marriage, and it's only January. My cousin Claudia said Jane had been after Dick all last year to pitch in with housework more, now that she is working. And Dick had mentioned several times to Jane that he'd noticed she was putting on a little weight in the hips. So, Claudia said they came to her house for New Year's Eve, and were both actually in a good mood, complaining only about the weather, something they usually agree on. By the time people were around the table, revealing their New Year's resolutions, Dick, in a rare moment of self-revelation, cheerfully announced that he expected to turn over a new leaf on sharing the household chores thing. Jane was equally adamant about losing weight. According to Claudia, everybody was pleased.

Well, that was then, this is now, only three weeks later, and, according to Claudia, nothing has happened with regard to these good intentions. Jane stopped exercising, and Dick went back to his old bad-self. Jane, who usually has a cliché for everything, called it reverting to type. Cute, I thought. Claudia said privately she thought they were both disappointed in themselves for failing to do what they said they were going to do.

What happened, I wonder? Dick and Jane are always telling me about good ideas for self-improvement, although it is usually for the other person. But whether it is for themselves or the other person, why couldn't they follow through? I was going to write to them directly to tell them that I had heard about their New Year's resolutions. But then, if I did, I would probably have to tell them about my annual attack of pessimism about well-intentioned change.

I am mostly an optimistic person, but, when it comes to New Year's resolutions, I have a secret suspicion that I am not sure my aunt and uncle would appreciate hearing about. I mean about people following-through on these resolutions. I'd hate to speculate on the number of annual resolutions that go unfulfilled or unsustained. God knows there is plenty of room for my relatives to improve their relationship, but it seems like it is slow to happen. It is because true personal change is tougher than it looks.

Change is hard because most people are inwardly ambivalent about their habits. Psychotherapy assists real change because it encourages a person to examine the gremlins in their psyche that are holding them back. Visitors to their inner worlds frequently encounter negative self-talk or distortions in their way of thinking about self-improvement and life-style change. I say look these gremlins in the face, and see them for what they are. In other words, have a little talk with yourself; get your whole mind working for behavioral change. And, if you are in an intimate relationship, changing might affect the other person in ways you have both been unconsciously avoiding. Is Dick prepared for the jolt to his libido if he became more attracted to Jane, once she took the pounds off?

If all else fails, talk to yourself about the consequences of not changing. It doesn't hurt to be a little anxious about the changes you want to make, since anxiety can be a motivating force. Like, "Jane, if you don't lose weight, you will look older than you really are, or you could get diabetes and have to have your toes cut off!" Finally, I'd say surround yourself with supportive persons who can help you sustain your new self.

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