Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Relationship Space”

The space that floats between you and your mate is a living, breathing thing. It has to be there to keep you both from merging into one big blob. Wish it or not, you have to remain separate, like the prophet Gibran says. Even if you can't see this space, you can feel it. It cannot compare with anything that even science fiction could dream up to scare the pants off fearful earthling couples. It is like an invisible force field, dynamic and pulsating with the ebb and flow of reactions between the two of you. A plasma of bubbling energy.
When you are really clicking as a couple, the atmosphere between you is magnetic and dizzying. When both of you are steaming with anger and resentment, the invisible current jumps with low-voltage daggers aimed to knock somebody over. Worst of all, if there is nothing happening between you, all the electrons go comatose.

I draw attention to this ethereal relationship space because, if it is not to be feared, it is something to cherish and maintain. It is as if there was a third person, between you with its own needs. It is the link between partners who are serious about being together and committed to growing together. In a way, it is sacred space because it gives birth to the sense of "we" in the relationship.

I recommend you nurture and feed this relationship space. Treat it with care and tenderness. Like a combined smoke alarm and watchdog, it will provide you with your own personalized readout of the ever-changing relationship atmosphere, and help get you and your mate working together as a repair team. If you stave off the danger to the relationship before things go to a red alert, you preserve the quality of the marriage, and maybe the marriage itself. The more you and your partner become aware of the fluctuations of this "we-ness", the better you survive the inevitable bumps in the relationships. The good news is you can learn to stay in touch with the shifting forces of living with your spouse.

Relationship space is so important that each time a couple comes to my office, I routinely check the atmosphere, just as your general physician checks your weight, temperature and blood pressure when you have a physical problem. Here's how it works: I ask each partner to gauge the space between them on a scale of one to ten. The first scale is Comfort vs. Tension. In other words, are they at ease with each other in this moment, or (in case you can't tell) could you cut the tension with a knife? Or someplace in between. Each might see it differently. Even if they are not on the same page with their individual reading of the atmosphere, we already have something to talk about. If their numbers are congruent but low, I ask what would have to happen for a small positive change. More to talk about. If readings are healthy, I ask what they did or saw happening that made this possible.

The second scale is Closeness vs. Distance. Here I'm wanting (and wanting them) to get their sense of emotional openness, the sense of being understood, with ten being like "soul-mates". One, the most distance number, and the opposite extreme, is being out-of-touch, on another planet. Most couples are someplace in between the extremes. Most couples become interested in this dynamic space phenomenon, and skilled at reading it. That's because they yearn for the sense of the "we" that once existed, but got "lost in space".

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