Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Long Term Relationships”

When we rented our canoe this summer for the scenic ride down the river, the brochure hand-out had suggestions for water safety and survival. Along with rocks, cows, and other things you should watch out for, there was this advice for a happier, healthier journey: "Couples in long-term relationships should consider riding in separate canoes for the sake of a more enjoyable experience". As a marriage therapist and long-time husband, I was a little affronted by this. Is the implication that the longer you are married, the less you will be able to negotiate little decisions? I asked myself, "What could possibly go wrong in a three-hour canoe trip?" Did the divorce lawyers cite bad canoeing experiences as grounds for incompatibility?

I had my own ideas.

Then I took the trip. Although we ended up friends, my wife and I had these stressful moments over steering communiqués. First we had to agree on which was left and which was right. A simple thing, you think, except she, sitting in the front, was oriented differently if she turned to face me. Now, her right was my left, and vice-versa. This minor re-calculation was not crucial until we hit the rapids. Then, the tension mounted. Previously, the guide who got us started down the river, was "kind" enough to tell us about a canoe-couple the day before who had hit a rock (at speed) the wrong way in a rough section, capsized, and broken the canoe in half. "The worst accident in nine years", he said. Not exactly the kind of reassurance we needed, even knowing there were survivors.

So, when we had to steel ourselves for the descent through the rapids, it seemed like everything about the marriage jumped to a different level. Two anxious people, with visions of the tale of yesterday's upset, were required to function with adrenalin-assisted decision making. A true test of communication under stress. There was no question of who was in control: the flowing force of the river was in control. Our job: Go with the flow and save our mortal bodies from ending up in another sad tale of nature's Deliverance! It required cooperation and good signals.

It made me think about what it takes to live through the challenges of a long-term relationship. When the marriage hits rough waters of one kind and another, partners are not always at their rational best. Then bad visions, anxieties, and wrong assumptions put the marriage in crisis situations. A long-term relationship is defined by the bumps and scrapes it is bound to encounter: Live long enough and you will be challenged. Even if you think you have good communication and good problem-solving abilities, I can tell you that things not of your choice will befall the relationship. Illness, death, and loss (as well as perceived loss) are going to happen. Fateful things that no one should be blamed for, yet blame gets tossed around like a hot potato. People react defensively. The relationship looks to be headed for the rocks.
And that is when perspective is needed. What helps is to be able to see the objective reality of the crisis situation, and to realize that stress blinds you to the cooler and rational assessment of what is really happening to you. Give up the blame game and put your heads together for the sake of learning survival skills. Maybe you think you should be able to ward off all possible troubles. Well, you can't. But you can get hold of the perspective that comes from outside the boat you're in.

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