Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Can We Be Friends? Complexities of Sexual Politics.”

The movie "When Harry Met Sally" raises the question of whether men and women can be friends without romance entering into the picture? As it turns out, given the smashing good looks of Meg Ryan and quick wit of Billy Crystal, romance seems bound to occur. The audience's collective psyche wants love to be so winningly powerful that, despite any good or rational intentions about friendship to the contrary, two beautiful people will be overwhelmed by a force greater than themselves. The movie draws us into the magical buzz that could make us goofy, from vicarious excitement. Yet, such energy gets in the way of any hope for sane man/woman friendship. Maybe nobody wants "just a friendship", especially if he/she is single.

But, let's say you miraculously found the one right person for you. Now, what about friendship with all the rest of those beautiful creatures? Or even a few of them? Maybe you are surprised to discover that you can be attracted to many other "soul mates", given the right circumstances. It must be exhausting to try to romantically consummate a relationship with every possible person you could be attracted to, although I've seen people gallantly try. In the end, you think you may have to huddle with your mate and give up encountering any other opposite-sex person all together. Keep the planets of Mars and Venus separate. Or maybe you just quit everything and move to a monastery. It's either that, or, here comes the Big Question: figure out if you can simply be friends with the opposite sex.

Sexual politics is the stuff of male-female interaction. It is the give and take between men and women, with conscious or semi-conscious awareness of an agenda of negotiation. Negotiation of what? No one knows for sure, although sexual politics is frequently driven by sex or power. The question becomes, "Are sexual instincts so strong that no man or woman can be just friends? Maybe only lovers-or-nothing!" Clearly, friendship goals are imploded when people cross the yellow line into sexually-driven interaction.

Workplace situations, schools, churches, and other community organizations provide opportunities. You see it every day. Just beneath declared agenda is the gender agenda. Someone is trying to subtly flirt, make a sexual joke or, worse, speak cleverly in innuendos. There are games being played out. You've seen it: men in positions of power or implied power, seeking affirmation from women. These guys are scared, and don't even know how stupid they look. Or the woman short-changes herself regarding her (non-sexual) merits. While this kind of interaction is often semi-conscious and sometimes dismissed as harmless, it sets up a game that cannot be won by anybody in the long run. Worse, it highly complicates the possibilities that the men and women can be true friends. In case they wanted to. This gender thing can really mess up pleasant exchange and the possibility of getting anything else done.

What is the answer? Only more questions. Does a man believe that a woman is a real and capable person who might have something to offer other than her sexual attributes? Does the woman believe she is capable of mutual exchange on the basis of skills and talents that are not linked to her sexuality?

Some people can form genuine friendships, with camaraderie and support. If they are occasionally surprised to find sparks leaping up from a friendship where they hadn't expected it, then they ask themselves, "Can I just cool my jets?" "Can we be friends?" they just want to know.

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