Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“The Dowry”

You probably won't go to too many weddings this summer where the bride shows up accompanied by a truck load of sheep or goats. Such uncouth dowrys have gone out of style, at least in terms of these aromatic beasties that could turn the wedding reception into a petting zoo. Still, it would be a good idea, in my way of thinking, if the new bride brought something more than just booty from the bridal shower. Or, if this is a second marriage, something more than her custodial children, house, and twenty pairs of shoes.

What could be considered a dowry? She doesn't need her father's bonus animals to prove her attractiveness, but, to make the whole ceremony complete, there should be some add-on, visable or invisible. She is these days on a more equal footing with the man she is marrying, and doesn't have to augment her worth with prizes, like a bank trying to get you to open a new account...

But what about the relationship heritage of her family? We marriage therapists, who would wish for things to get off to a good start, are always looking for something that underpins the fragility of modern marriages. At the subterranean level of the marriage ceremony, unseen and often ignored, lives sacred custom and tradition. What happens here could make or break the new relationship. Who would dare to overlook the "something old, new, borrowed, blue" ritual? So, equally, there is a basic need for a dowry tribute to the relationship skills she has gathered, like trophies, from her growing-up family.

Your relationship heritage is made up of the indelible impressions of your parents marriage that were absorbed while you were a kid. While you were sitting around watching T.V.,petting the dog, and maybe doing your homework, lessons of how to be a spouse were subtly being inscribed on your instinctual brain. They are like computer programs which contain the default response to marital interaction. I mean, when crunch time comes, you will just react to stressful relationship situations, usually without thinking. Some of the lessons of the past were good and useful, for example, how your parents compromised, or successfully settled an argument. Or how you" learned" about warmth and affection. Unfortunately, some of these instinctual lessons may not have been as helpful as others.

I've heard that there is one tribe in Outer Mongolia where the custom is for the new bride to go alone into the ceremonial hut before the wedding and sort all her possessions. It is obviously symbolic. All the things she has accumulated throughout her youth, she now must contemplate. While the family stands outside the hut, singing weird melodies through their noses, she is required to study the value of her heritage and decide what must go and what must stay. Even if there are things she thought were important to her, she now has to quietly study their true usefulness, and be ready to face the pain of giving up some of the familiar possessions. What she finally takes with her, helps get the new household off to a good start, and provides a more secure environment for starting a family.

Modern brides should have to undergo this grueling ritual while establishing their new identity. Wedding planners pay attention! (Some nose-singers hire out). Because some family relationship patterns she will want to take with her and cherish, while others are simply dysfunctional. Who else but she can sort this emotional dowry? How else can those who wish her well encourage her to think outside the gift boxes, and assess her "inherited" relationship strengths and weaknesses.

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