Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“In-Laws”

I will soon be presenting the annual award for excellence in family resilience. Interviews are in progress. This award, known as the UGH (Uncommonly Great Hospitality) Award, is for commendable behavior, above and beyond the call of duty during visits from relatives. I announce this during the High Season, when relatives are wearing out their welcome in local households. It is a time when in-laws, whom you didn't know existed (and since wish they didn't exist), call you up, and tell you they are coming to Florida for five weeks and want to stay with you. This requires the host and hostess to reassess the whole notion of the meaning of hospitality. It is a definite strain on the marriage, since the spouse who is blood is required, by tribal instinct, to defend his/her relatives, despite their alien habits and lack of consideration. New battle lines are drawn among family members even though, during the rest of the year everyone is peaceful and well-bonded. I heard of one situation where the brother-in-law insisted on bringing his giant Mastiff along for the visit. Before they left, the dog had chewed the piano leg into sawdust, and eaten the entire portable phone. This is in addition to the three carloads of sand the visiting team brought back from the beach and left on the oriental carpet.

Even the best of relatives seem to go neurotic when they are trying to combine two families into one household. We think these people, some of whom we have known forever, will be quite compatible with our family, and expect that relationships will only be enhanced by close proximity and the grand ambiance of Florida weather. But there are surprises, usually occurring after about three days of the stay. It's like we don't realize the subtleties of our everyday routines and personal habits.

Couples, who are not currently riled up about sex or money, find themselves with chips on their shoulders and grinding their teeth at night, ready to go at it over their in-law issue. Marriage produces a number of great benefits that are enduring and fulfilling. None-the-less, because of the package deal that every spouse comes with, you get hoards of in-laws that take you a lifetime to somehow accommodate. Most marriages have to eventually take on the in-law phenomenon, like most homes have to deal with ants.

Take the CBS sitcom, "Everybody Loves Raymond" The reason it makes us laugh is that there are typical in-law tensions oozing all over the place. Marie, the mother in-law, doesn't just visit; she has moved in across the street! Yet, maybe she gets an undeserved bad rap as the intrusive one. But I would single out Ray, himself, as the character who needs the most psychic overhaul. He is the guy who, although, married and under separate roof, has never really left home. I mean, feeling-wise. Marie, his "mother" may be a tough character; still, if they would let me on that stage as the therapist, I would put it to him about what unfinished emotional business there was between him and mommy. For the sake of his marriage, he needs to close that old family chapter in his life, and grow up! Who else but he can draw the line, and launch himself fully whole in the newly created family with wife Debra. But then, that would take the fun out of the ongoing drama of the show's in-law tensions. Maybe it's more important to keep it like it is so we have a place to laugh off our own life situations.

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