Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Divorce is Dumb”

It's true; most of the people who get divorced have never gone to see a marriage counselor. In one way, this makes perfect sense, because if they did go, they could find out that there are some other alternatives. And then maybe they wouldn't get a divorce. Being a marriage counselor, I have to say, "I told you so". I still have to wonder what keeps the theoretical fifty-percent of terminally ill marriages from knocking at my door. There aren't enough marriage and family therapists in town to handle the load if everybody thinking of divorce actually came for help. But they don't, for whatever reasons: fear of change, doubt that it can help, or just no desire to reconcile. Pick one. Then, by contrast, figure the strength of those who DO seek some help. I have to hand it to them that they are apparently willing to expose themselves to what they think is the poking and probing of Dr. Freud. They want to change, or at least they want their mate to change. They believe things can be better.

So, instead of sour grapes griping about the absent couples, I would likely (says the little voice) accomplish more if I said, "O.K. if they won't come to me, I will go to them". Since I don't make house calls, I can only hope that the stressed-out spouses would pick up their local newspaper. I go to them by way of the printed word. Thus, the reason for this column. Although my wife sometimes expresses doubt that I have learned anything about marriage in the past twenty-five years, she doesn't know all the gems of wisdom that I have squirreled away for publication. I don't tell her everything I know. After talking and listening to hundreds of couples on the brink, I am inspired to actually send out something that is both generic and helpful at the same time. My wife can only hope that I will listen to my own advice. As for the rest of you, I say read, watch Oprah, or do a keyword search on "SMART MOVES" before you leap into divorce.

Divorce is an expensive proposition, whether you give or receive alimony. Face it, you are never going to have the same lifestyle again remarried or not. Even if you are the parent who gets child support faithfully, everybody loses opportunities for financial security, especially single female parents. And this is not even considering the emotional disadvantages of divorce. In fact, it is safe to say that there is no such thing as a divorce where the emotions are terminated after fifteen years of marriage. You have the little piece of paper that says you are divorced, but the emotional ties go on forever. And negative ties are as powerful as positive ones. You think living in a less-than-satisfying marriage is hard; try living in the aftermath of divorce and the killer atmosphere of no forgiveness.

Divorce, like a swirling destructive tornado, has become a major force, which shapes our thinking, our behavior, and our very existence in this country. It is so prevalent that we Americans have become numb to its persistent position in our society. After nearly 50 years of increasing numbers of divorces, we are now in a second generation of couples who have themselves been raised with few models of workable marriages. Divorce is so destructive to families that we, as a people, only cope by having to pretend among ourselves that it is the norm, and therefore more acceptable. Divorce is the main reason that "Family Values" has gained its place in the world around us. Should we all, like the Taliban, move our belief systems toward the absolutes of fundamentalism? Whether the cause or effect of the "breakdown of the family", divorce is a freight train that no one, not even the churches, seems able to stop.

Marriage and Family Therapists, as professionals, know a lot about the illnesses of relationships. We behavioral scientists, with a compassionate burden for families should be able to do something. Some of us have attempted preventive measures. But my impression is that few couples take lessons from preventive teachings. What do they think? That divorce won't happen to them? Remember the statistics? The other "D" word must be Denial.

Marriage is such a personal thing. Couples apparently want to work through their conflicts on their own, with a little help from "Dear Abby" and women's magazines. Some are successful. Probably more of those who make an honest effort actually succeed than those who want band-aides only. If they all knew that marriage therapy is intelligent collaboration rather than intrusion or criticism, it might ease some of the pain. I will keep doing my part.

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