Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Can We Be Friends? Complexities of Sexual Politics”

The movie “When Harry Met Sally” raises the question of whether men and women can be friends without romance entering into the picture? As it turns out, given the smashing good looks of Meg Ryan and quick wit of Billy Crystal, romance seems bound to occur. The audience’s collective psyche wants love to be so winningly powerful that, despite any good or rational intentions about friendship to the contrary, two beautiful people will be overwhelmed by a force greater than themselves. Inevitably, we hope, they (and if they, so also we) will be unable to resist falling in love. Hundreds of Harry’s meeting up with Searching Sally’s. The magical buzz that can turn us all goofy. Such energy gets in the way of any hope for sane man/woman friendship. Maybe nobody wants “just a friendship”, especially if he/she is single.

But, let’s say you miraculously survived the original partner selection phase and found the one right person for you. Now, what about friendship with all the rest? Or even a few of them? Maybe you are surprised to discover that you can be attracted to many other “soul mates”, given the right circumstances. It must be exhausting to try to romantically consummate a relationship with every possible person you could be attracted to, although I’ve seen people gallantly try. In the end, you think you may have to huddle with your mate and give up encountering any other opposite sex person all together. Or maybe you just quit everything and move to a monastery. It’s either that, or, here comes the Big Question: figure out if you can simply be friends with the opposite sex.

Sexual politics is the stuff of male-female interaction. It is the give and take between men and women, with conscious or semi-conscious awareness of an agenda of negotiation. Negotiation of what?… no one knows for sure, although it is frequently driven by instincts of sex or power. The question, slightly modified, becomes whether sexual instincts are so strong that no men or women can be friends? Maybe only lovers-or-nothing! Clearly, friendship goals are imploded when people cross the yellow line into sexually driven interaction.

Workplace situations, schools, churches, and other community organizations provide opportunity every day for these otherwise contented males and females of the species to meet up. Whenever a social situation of mixed genders is loaded with sexual politics, it seems like a whole different program. You see it every day. Someone is trying to subtly flirt, make a sexual joke, or, worse, speak cleverly in innuendos. There are games being played out. Often it is men in positions of power or implied power, seeking affirmation from women. These guys are scared and suddenly revert to primitive and stupid looking behavior, like they think no one is watching. They go into a dumb mode. They cross over the personal boundaries that bolster true friendship, and venture into what they do best, which is engage in mating behavior. Or the woman in a similar circumstance believes she cannot negotiate a social situation on her own (non-sexual) merits. She short-changes herself. She is then set to please the man in exchange for his favor. More sexual politics. While this kind of interaction is often semi-conscious and sometimes dismissed as harmless, it sets up a game that cannot be won by anybody in the long run. Worse, it highly complicates the possibilities that the men and women can be true friends. This agenda, whether fully intended or passively entered into, really messes up pleasant interaction and the possibility of getting anything else done.

What is the answer? Only more questions. Does a man believe that a woman is a real and capable person who might have something to offer other than her sexual attributes? Does the woman believe she is capable of mutual exchange on the basis of skills and talents that are not linked to her sexuality? Hey this is hard enough between husbands and wives, but it is even tougher in socialization of the genders.

Despite the minefields, I think there must be some people who are able to meet the challenge and glide through their routine day in a gender-mixed society with no perilous sexual politics. They should be commended for bravery under fire. They form genuine friendships, with camaraderie and support. If they are occasionally surprised to find sparks leaping up from a friendship where they hadn’t expected it, then they ask themselves, “Can I just cool my jets?” “Can we be friends?” they just want to know.

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