Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Marriage Like Tennis”

The institution of marriage is not like anything else in the human experience, and whoever thought it up had to have a sense of humor . It is a unique combination of two intelligent people who share the joys and sorrows of living together, while, at the same time, occasionally shooting themselves in the foot. Married couples spend their lives working out their differences over sex, money, and in-laws, but probably wouldn't have it any other way. Marriage is a journey that half of us complete with the same partner we started out with, while the other half of us gets divorced and remarried to complete the journey with someone strangely just like the original partner. Then there is another half who don't marry at all, but pretend they do.

I know that couples work hard to find that just-right relationship. So, we could use help from outside forces, especially from calmer realms that we understand better than we understand human interaction. Like sports, for example. Why do we play sports and glue ourselves, like duct tape, to TV sports unless it is because these structured activities are simpler and more predictable than our marriages. Sports are a given in our society, so I say we may as well learn from them where we can. My advice to couples who are looking for help: read the sports page first.

Take tennis. Now there's a game that makes sense. Two people, safely separated by a net, engage in an exchange, called a match, whose outcome is determined by how each handles the ball when it is in his or her court. In addition, there are rules of engagement that every player counts on; you know, some basic things like honesty and avoiding heavy handedness. I like this sport because tennis is a game where, despite motives of competition, "love" is part of the scoring. I could promote this game for couples because it has some good parallels for how to wise up about intimate relationships. There is lots of interaction.

Once the match starts, both partners can interact knowing that each is bound by the rules of the game as well as the limits of the court. Those little white stripes are drawn on the playing space not just because they are a nice design and compliment the color scheme, but in order to make things fair and objective. Some plays are clearly out of bounds, and will count against you.

If, on the one hand, your tennis partner makes all her moves with regard to this agreed-on structure of fairness, you can remain civil as you attempt to return the ball to some advantage. In this case, you play with a hopeful attitude that you can make a difference. Indeed the outcome of the game is altered each time the ball is sent back across the net. You can't complain that she is the one keeping you from feeling good about this game, because every time you get the ball you have a chance to affect your destiny, and it is your job to do so. I like this whole tennis analogy because it puts the responsibility for what happens to both on each player in turn. Nobody controls everything.

If, on the other hand, back in the game, she tells you that you were "out" when you were "in", you get wary and suspicious. The game would be less sporting, and you would think up ways to cleverly lob the ball, make her trip over her racquet and look foolish. Then you would no longe ber playing a friendly game. This is a reminder that intimate partners gain nothing if they are not "good sports"

No doubt the way your partner handles a relationship interaction will affect how you handle what comes back to you. You could probably even decide ahead of time what will be the first sign that you have been effective with your input. It is because what you do and say always has some effect on your partner.

Most people know that if you lose one game, you haven't lost the match, because there are more opportunities to come. So, you don't always have to win to have a good time. If you are well matched, you are energized by the possibilities of a change in fortune. There is liveliness in the interaction. Even long-time tennis partners remain friends. They don't take it all too seriously. "After all", they tell themselves," it's just a game". What if we didn't tie our self-worth to our relationships? What if we could have an ongoing warm up rally, where scoring wasn't the only objective? What would it be like to be "in the zone" together? Wow! Tennis anyone?

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