Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Of Mice and Men: The Power of Projection”

One has to wonder if mice have better marriages than we humans. Poor defenseless creatures, mice lack the power to pretend everything is ok when it is not. When they have a problem, I guess they have to deal with it right then. In human marriages there is a lot of pretending, when it comes to problem solving. This denial system is mostly unconscious and out of awareness because we have the uncanny ability to project our inner troubles onto our partners. Everybody does it. In my most cynical moments, I have to wonder if the reason some people get married is so they will have someone to blame for their problems.

The mental gymnastic called projection is one of the most powerful tools in the psychic toolbox. It enables us to think or feel something, not know it, and imagine that it's somebody else's idea. Psychological projection as a defensive cop-out is just right for the short-term, but in reality and in the long run, serves little good in a relationship. Sorry to inform you, but there is not a very big separation between the good guys and the bad guys. If the marriage has a problem, you are part of it guaranteed.

Examples of projection:
- "I can't get sexually aroused because my wife won't dress in leather'
- "If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be angry."
- "I don't need to go to a marriage therapist because I don't have the problem; you do"

To attempt a positive spin on this insidious mindtrick called projection: We human beings have to make our way in a complex world of relationships. We cannot navigate our way among intimate others of the species without some way to look like a good guy and keep safe. In the face of disagreements or conflicts, we need an out. . Like, if you were smart, you wouldn't ride your motorcycle through the obstacle course without a helmet. So why go into the same room with your mate without some way to insist you didn't do whatever-you-are-being-accused-of. Projection is just the ticket, albeit a ticket to trouble. Marriage, although a generally happy situation, has its risks. One is this vulnerability to owning up.

Mice, on the other hand, while they must have "relationships" with other mice, do not have to make use of this defense of projection. Because they have such a small brains and miniscule egos, it never occurs to them that they might need to avoid responsibility for messing up the nest. For all I know, in a mouse-to-mouse marriage, everybody does his/her part to keep things going. If the cheese is missing, everybody in mouseland goes into plan B, with no finger pointing. No denial. In the world of real husbands and wives, projection usually means you don't have to do any work on the relationship because it is not you who has a problem. Or so you think, until the sky falls.

This reminds me that most of the people who get a divorce have never seen a marriage counselor. It is like saying that if you don't go for a dental check-up, you won't have any cavities. Some people cannot tolerate the possibility that their relationship unhappiness might be partly their responsibility. Incredibly, they can only see clearly that their spouse has a problem. Blind to their own input, they wait, arms folded, for the other one to change. I see the most progress in marriage therapy at that point where each partner takes some responsibility for changing what he or she can individually change in themselves. It is like a tennis game: When the ball is in your court, the outcome of the game depends on how you return it this particular time over the net. Every maneuver makes a difference. If there is blame, it has to be 50/50. If there is a resolution of the problem, both parties can affect the outcome. This ability to help create the solution puts us a notch above the level of the mouse.

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