Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

“Refereeing”

As I picked up my whistle and ran out onto the field, I could see that the two teams were ready for the skirmish. One team called “husband”, the other called “wife”, they glistened with the sweat of battle tension as they anticipated the next round of the contest. Although I was a mere psychotherapist, I was imagining myself as a striped -shirt referee in a major sports event, where, although I couldn’t control the outcome, I could see that it was played fairly. I knew my job was to remain objective and provide a playing field where both teams could do their best. Despite the occasional distractions of “Greek choruses” cheering one side or the other from somewhere in the back of my mind, I scurried here and there in order to observe both teams impartially and equally. Whenever there was a foul, I knew I could promptly blow my whistle in order to keep anyone from getting hurt. If I had to, I would deftly send a team member into the penalty box to think things over. My objectivity was, after all, why team-wife and team-husband had come. In the pre-game hype, there is frequently enough steam on each side of the field to generate a nasty desire to be the winner, put the other spouse in his/her place, and confirm their own personal analysis of blame and fault. In other words, somebody wins and somebody loses. But, where there is a referee, there is a different atmosphere in the sport of marital differences: Play hard, but play by the rules. When I am (mostly) in charge of the game, things are calmer, safer, cooler. No sniping, no sarcasm. When things heat up from too much conflict “off the field”, couples need a place to channel their energies, say what needs to be said, and trust that they are being heard. In my arena, if I take pains to make sure I am hearing the position in question, it is much more likely that the other spouse will hear it, too. If I patiently slow down the action, the defensive players get less time on the field. Some couples come thinking I am going to hear both sides, see the convincing truth of one or the other position, and award the one who’s right with a gold cup. Sometimes I think they are so convinced that they will be determined the winner that they are willing to come to my playing field just for the sake of vindication. But it doesn’t work that way. Because, I believe that someplace within them, they have a basically held instinct of fair play. They have to know that the outcome will be decided by productive interaction, where facts and feelings are put into play. When things get rough, they really, deep down, want a referee, not a judge and jury. I count on the idea that they want to work it out between them where the outcome is win/win. As I go back onto the field, I am ready to see this game to a hopeful conclusion where everybody wins and feels good about it.

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