Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

"The Origin of Fairy Godmothers."

I've wondered what it would be like to be a legendary therapist, and be consulted by famous people, like, say, Cinderella. Counseling Cinderella would really be something! I'd probably have to help her deal with her prince fantasies and hear her frustration with all the household chores assigned to her by her stepmother. If she's only 16, I would bring in the rest of the family : the step-sisters, the allegedly wicked step-mother, and the somewhat nebulous father.(Is he dead, or just "not there"?) I'd want to get them all together to talk about what is going on in this family. Is Cinderella being scapegoated here? Is she really as bad off in her new family as she says? Why all these rescue wishes? Maybe she has some unresolved grief about her departed birth-mother. It would be a given that childhood relationships are often filled with frustrations and a certain emptiness. Too many hassles in the adult world. And, because it hurts when parents leave, physically or emotionally. (New research tells us that divorce is worse for kids than we originally thought.) Cinderella wouldn't be alone among tragic tales.

But when it came to the visit from the fairy godmother, I would treat this very compassionately. It's because I happen to believe that fairy godmothers are real, and probably fairy godfathers too. I didn't used to be a believer, but, listening to many patients tell me about their childhood experiences, I have a different perspective. Whether people have been raised in a stepfamily or not, I've noticed that childhood experiences are filled with creative attempts by kids to fill in the gaps of their family life. Kids need parents and, if they don't have their own, they suffer. But they can hang on and survive emotionally if given just a little support from somebody in the adult world. Stepparents, grandparents, and other surrogates like teachers and coaches can do a grand and loving thing. It builds some foundation for future relationships, even if it is still a little shaky. Such was the case of a modern-day grown up Cinderella who came to my office.

As she slipped her shoe on and off there on the chair across from me, she went on about not being able to find the right man. But this wasn't the whole story. As I let her talk, she spun out a longer tale: She never quite got over why her birth-mother didn't stay with her. Never mind it was due to the mother's untimely death. Young Cindy couldn't help the feeling she'd been abandoned. Now, would you think that this would be an area of sensitivity in her life? Right. Just let her present, less than princely, boyfriend talk about the possibility that he might not be ready for this relationship, and Cindy's smoke alarm goes off. Maybe if it had happened when she was a bit older, it wouldn't have been quite so devastating. But as a child, like all children, she was very vulnerable, having all her dependency needs directed toward the one who brought-her into this world.

So, even though her mother's death was beyond her control, Cindy, at 35, was still hurting. Fortunately for Cinderella, good mothering had returned to her in the form of the fairy godmother. In the case of the Cindy that I saw in my office, we searched the scrapbook of her mind to discover good and loving mothering in a neighbor. It hadn't just happened. Cindy was greatly in need, given her sad home situation, and was on the lookout for someone who might be genuinely kind and loving toward her. When the neighbor offered to help Cindy pick blackberries, these summer excursions became a wonderful and fulfilling time, they were Cindy's wishes and earnest fantasies come true. That's what fairy godmothers do: They make a child's yearnings into realities, if only briefly and on a small scale. It was fortunate in the development of Cindy's early years that she was able to absorb this neighbor’s unconditional love and feel affirmed. It was a remembered resource among others that helped her heal. I have to say that this focus of therapy even made her boyfriend look a little more trustworthy.

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