Published Articles
By Dr. William R. Morrow

"Bickering Is Not The Way To Keep Space In Togetherness"

Bickering exists on an international scale. I don't mean between countries. I mean between spouses of other countries. On a recent visit to Ireland, my wife and I were enjoying a pleasant walk in the countryside, along a meandering river. It was a bright spring-like day, and the wild flowers were at their colorful best. Just after photographing a beautiful stand of bright yellow flowers, we met up with an older couple, out for a morning stroll. In keeping with the scenery, I asked them what the name of these pretty yellow blooms was. They were not of one voice: She said,"Oh, it's the flower that rapeseed-oil is made from."No, it is meadowsweet".he said. The wife persisted,"No, it's not!"this time with greater certainty. He shot back with a look that said he wasn't with her, "It's "Meadowsweet", he insisted. It was as if this poor woman, who accompanied him was to be excused for her ignorance. At this point, I was beginning to feel sorry that I had even asked. They had appeared to be an agreeable couple when I opened this nowhere conversation. Now, I had seemingly struck a note of discord between them. Passing them and continuing on, I attempted my reunifying comment, hoping to leave them no worse-off than when the encounter began:"Well, whatever they're called", I said, " they are beautiful".

It was a category-one argument. In other contexts they probably disagree about the color of the sky. Why does this "The sky is blue-no-red!!" type argument seem to rise up in married couples, after years of togetherness? One would think that,after all this time, they would have found greater agreement rather than new battlegrounds.

If we could see beneath these little spousal skirmishes, we would see two stately individual shade trees who have grown up alongside each other. Separate though they are, their root systems have quietly begun to grow closer. Shared homes, shared children, shared plans. I believe these sky-watching couples are people who are really deep down quite fearful of letting this relationship swallow them up with too much sharing. Some natural psychic merging has taken place that they weren't aware of , and, when they sniff it, they begin backpedaling, in the form of bickering. Bickerer and bickeree, each dealing with his/her fear, apparently thinking that by speaking in italics, they will be more convincing. It is an instinctive move for comfortable distance, but only temporarily a solution. The snide stand-off doesn't do it. More effective for overall relationship health would be an assurance that the increased emotional closeness, that grows with the marriage, is not lethal. Look at the real picture of how a relationship develops over time. Not to worry! Your individuality will survive! You can warm yourself at the fire of a long-term relationship without getting burned up. With just a little space in your togetherness, the sense of self remains intact. One flesh, maybe, but one shared soul, no way. Your sky may well be different from your partner's. Bicker ye not, and don 't be afraid to go bravely into what is just another stage of satisfying marriage.

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